✿ E R I K A - B L O G ✿

Party. You kidding? No you're not. But I've got training tomorrow. Maybe I am indeed going crazy, but for what it's worth I'll fight it all off. I'm not a cocoon, and I'll live for a long long time even if I have to work my ass off to stay off suicidal thoughts. 

Within the span of a month, everything in my life changes, as if I was reading this book and predicting the ending but somebody took it away from my hands and replaced it with an empty journal for me to fill out by myself. Julie's in trouble too, I know so. Sometimes I wished she would have met her fairy godmother like I have met all of my fairy godsisters (Including Duke, yes yes). I wasn't pissed at Jake for changing my mobile line, he only meant well right? Kara will be here in a couple of days, I can't wait for my only on-par at guitar hero to arrive.

Plans, plans, plans. We're asking for too much. Because when the sun rises, I won't be there; vampire's got curfew too you know? 

Awesomely yours.

What is wrong with strangers with bad attitude? I seriously cannot comprehend her hostility. She was the ONLY other female amongst all the other paramedics, yet as she tried to be friendly as a trap to make the rest of my year miserable, I stupidly fell into the hazardous zones.

So she was like, "Oh is that your boyfriend? You have a thing for white guys huh?" I told her calmly that no, I just broke up with my boyfriend who's cheating on me with his Indian doctor, and cheating is his habit, just like his Dad. So she gloated. Her eyes widened as if it was the juciest news she had ever heard. Then her eyes gleamed at Jake as if he's a piece of meat and she was the predator, the hawk, waiting to feed on something fresh.

For goodness sake, can't friends visit a very scared and insecure girl at work, bring sandwiches and tea to soothe her nerves? It WAS his duty because my Superman friend couldn't be there for me and asked his kind brother for a favour to BABYSIT me during break time.

Do I have to tell you that I'm also aenemic and depressed at the moment so you can flail your arms in the air and announce to the whole world? Is it really important to announce that I'm recently jilted and that I'm very green in this field of profession which makes me more vulnerable to your very very very disgusting and evil pranks? Sticking a used band aid on my locker, trying to trip me over, shoving my bag under the coffee vending machine. It's only my first day, give me a fucking break, bitch. Who the fuck is she anyway? I'm new, she's new, and so is everybody else. Don't get me involved in racial issues, because as far as I'm concerned, the government only entitles the Malay people free education, but not a GET OUT OF JAIL FREE card. This is not monopoly, and I could really set your ass on fire.

She've crossed the line, and I'm waiting for the right time to come so that I can murder her and make it look like an accident Just kiddng. Or am I?

Jake is hot, no doubt. 

But I don't like the way he watches me as if I'm a nutcase. I'm not as fragile as everybody thinks. I'm not ALWAYS suicidal. And I don't need sympathy from hot guys who think they have it all, to hold my hands just because they think it eases my woes. Because when Jake tucks my hair behind my ear, I don't see Jake, I see revenge (but not on Jake). I want to break that mongrel into bits. 

It's the way how some boys with a dangerous magnitude of attraction tries getting close to me which scares me off. But of course, Jake can't be attracted to me, right? I'm merely damaged goods. In fact it's exactly the other way round which I fear to admit. The way he buries his toes in the sand, shaking his brown curls out of his sparkling green eyes whenever the breeze caressed his face, the way he towers over me makes me feel so safe just to be near him.

But this is a dangerous addiction. He keeps telling me how we can be such good friends for a long time, but his eyes tells a different story. He knew.

He knew that I'm damaged and it's too soon to love again. I could only wished that I'll recover before he vanishes into the thin air, exactly like the re-runs of the happiness I used to believe in. 

 

Did you know? Getting over a jerk has it's down side too. I'm eating well now, and I'm afraid I've lost my sunken cheekbone until someone else breaks my heart again. I used to call my ex to talk to him, catch up on what we have missed out, but lately I'm calling just to pester him and piss him off. 

It's another boring day, I looked forward to completing the notes on evolution, and I've had enough of Darwin. Blending inheritance, natural selection, artificial selection etc. I could jolly well spend time watching Vampire Diaries instead.

These days I've had everything planned up and then wrecking the plans just to soothe my nerves. I'd promised myself to go to the doctor but ended up watching 20 minutes of I Hate Valentines Day before deciding it's not worth my time. 

Medic. Huh. It sounds like a joke to me. I'm picturing myself working my ass off like fictional characters, super heroes, Peter Petrelli to be exact. Do you think I can save more than a hundred lives within my career span? I certainly hope so.

It's funny how I thought someone was the most important person in my life but it turned out that he's a complete worthless joke. ... Peace on all mankind.

Hold on tight, wait for tomorrow and you'll be alright. Burn my darling, burn up, let the flames consume all your lies. I don't want a house by the beach or anywhere near you, I want a house on the hill so that when the next flood comes, I'll be too far to rescue you.

Isn't it funny how we speak of eternity as if it's such a casual joke? I could be indestructible, seal myself up and let you go ahead and die as you come charging towards me, trying to inch closer to my heart. I let some Jacobs down today, H wanted to take me out for a movie but I pulled the disappearing stunt on him. Maybe he won't call anymore. And J called a few times to check on me cos I bailed on him last night, so I guess I'm just as irresponsible as I used to be.

Forget about the drama, let's just do strange things in order to pull ourselves together. None of the domestic crap work, I've tried. You know what I really want? None of your domestic rubbish. I'm not about to become a freaking housewife and live your village life. I want a cosmopolitan life, that's who I really am. I want to live on the highest floor of the most expensive property in the city, and have a getaway country cottage where I can seek shelter while escaping urban lifestyle. I want to be what Sarah Jessica Parker seemed like in Sex and the City, I want a freaking huge closet and a sauna in my bathroom, I want a posh looking black kitchen with all the knives I need to slit your suits.

That's right, I want so many things in life which nobody but ME CAN GIVE ME, and I'm not about to share it with cheating twats. So F-off&die

What's my favourite game? Tetris. But I'd like to confess that I kick ass at tug-of-war, because I'm always pulling so hard, and when I let go instantly, you can both fall into the pitch black hole while I simple walk away to enjoy my day.

This sounds so evil but hey, in the first place if I were to be left alone then those who have done me injustice would not have to suffer. If you want it so badly, you can have it, I'm not so fond of liars anyway.

I met alot of new people today, though beforehand was an awful day of shitty abnormalities. I would be walking around aimlessly with a bag full of books, just to slow me down so I wouldn't cross the roads recklessly. As if loitering wasn't bad enough, I find myself abruptly stopping sometimes as if I were waiting for somebody. That lasted for a few minutes each time before I pick up pace and start loitering again. 

Alot of Jacob wannabes tried to talk to me today, they all said the same thing, "Cheer up, I'm here to make everything alright." As if. I'm better off praying at home, the prayers have indeed been answered, and there shall be no other God I'll bow to. 

Time for a good rest. I'm gonna donate my bone marrow.

It's kinda easy to focus when you know what you want. I want people who let me down to die. No, just kidding.

Being a Babe In Total Control of Herself, aka BITCH, well not exactly. I'm writing about my life as if it's like a joke. I'm acting too normal. You know what I had for dinner and lunch? Medicine.

I need to sit in silence for months before I can really move on. It's not fair, no life is never fair. But I hope that every shit that happened in my life is to fertilize the seed of the awesome gift that God have planted for me.

Pray with me/for me please. Or I will perish. 

Do you reckon maybe the earth might just stop moving for one second? Just one split second perhaps? What would the butterfly effect be? I'm being very weird at the moment, things have always been turning out this way, and I hate to lose the people I love. One by one they slip away, family members, friends, lover. 

Look beyond those dark hills, that's where I'll reside, not as much beautiful as the grand canyon, there's no canopy for you to snap out of your dreams from. 

I lied. I actually have the courage to get killed. But. I cannot, because I have my family, friends, and my hollow self. The next Shakespeare I see on my desk shall be banished to eternity in the storeroom, or until I recover from this retribution.

I guess movies don't always lie, so far I'm following. Somebody leaves and somebody comes along, picking up damaged goods - such as me. My Edward Cullen left, and then Jacob came into my life, asking me to play hangman when he was sending me home in the taxi. He asked me to guess a few words, they were 'cheerful', 'adorable', and 'gorgeous'. He told me that I have nothing to worry about because I have these qualities.

But it's not true. I'm merely damaged goods, with a hole so large carved out within me. It feels as if I'm only left with skin, no flesh, no bones, no insides. I'm as hollow as an empty house. Oh look at those cracks on the floor, I was just telling Jihui, how I wished it would open up and swallow me, though it'd be scary to fall into another deep black hole. As if anything else could hurt me more. 

Michelle was here, all day and night long. Then Jihui was there too. Also Haifa throughout the day with calls and text messages. And Mey gave me a little pep talk, then Henry too.

When the love is gone, you can't bring it back, not even if you begged, cried, or slit your wrist. It's supposed to be dawn in an hour, but for many more fortnights, darkness it shall be even under the brightest sun. I'm only human, you are the vampire.